My Uncle Was Hung Like a Horse

A story about a real putz

When my Uncle Leo was alive, he had a kind heart and was generous. But if you ask people who knew him, what his best trait was, they would say without hesitation that it was his long, circumcised member.

It’s remarkable how having a long penis circulates through a small town. But in Portsburg, with a population of no more than 15,000 — word got out fast.

I first learned about Uncle Leo’s meatstick from my father.

“He’s hung like a horse,” said Dad, “Leo’s dick was so big as a kid, he couldn’t find the right underwear. His schlong stuck out of his jockey shorts and crawled down his pant leg. He said he hated having a big dick.”

“What did he do about the underwear?” I asked.

“I think he wore three sets of underwear. A boxer over two pairs of briefs.”

“That’s a lot of work for just one dick,” I said.

While driving on a country road with my uncle, I saw his famous ding-dong in person. He pulled over to the side of the road to take a leak and watered an entire forest with his hose. What everyone said was true, although they probably underestimated the size. Many compared his massive tool to the late porn star John Holmes, whose twelve-inch love plunger was the biggest in the porn industry at the time. But I swear, my uncle’s big rope hung to his knees, and it was at least a foot-and-a-half, but who’s counting?

The second time I witnessed my uncle’s package was at a seafood restaurant. My uncle, aunt, and I were having dinner at Ruby’s Tavern on a Saturday night. As I cracked open a lobster shell and was ready to devour its white meat, I could see Uncle Leo out of the corner of my eye. He was leaving the men’s room, which wasn’t usually a big deal, but my uncle’s restroom exit was noteworthy this time.

It was bathroom visit number three because of Uncle Leo’s excessive alcohol consumption. And when he walked out of the restroom, his dick flopped out of his…

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