I Wish

I have been running.
Running towards distraction.

I have been running towards anything that can take me away,
from myself.
My thoughts.
My heartache.
My loss.

I have been running.

I have been running towards busy.
Busy cooking.
Busy working.
Busy cleaning.
Busy folding laundry.
Busy prepping.
Busy watching the pointless screen that tells me nothing.
Busy wasting time.

Then.
It all just
Stops.

I lay in my bed and look out towards the night sky.
I think of how many chances I had to call you on the phone, but never did.
I think of the last message you sent me.
“Do you have time to talk soon?”
I thought I had time.
Then time ran past me.
Then,
you died.

I called you the day that you died.
I finally made time to speak with you.
I called too late.

I lay in bed.
I look out towards the night sky.
I wish I would have called you that week, sooner.
My wish is relevant.
My wish is felt with a magnitude larger than all I have ever felt.
No matter how great my wish,
I can not change the past.
The past is gone,
and so are you.

My thoughts of you are grand.
They open my mind when I awake.
They close my mind when I fall asleep.
I did not think of you much at all
when you were alive.
It was not until you died that you lived in my thoughts.
Can you hear them?
I think so.

You come through in a song on the radio.
“Eye of the Tiger” to be exact.

You come through with dragon fly necklaces and earrings,
worn by strangers that cross my path.

You come through with the light I sit by.
It blinks on and off,
and only when I am near.

I can hear your voice speaking to me.
Can you hear my voice speaking to you?
I think so.

I have been busy.
Busy with distraction.
Just like when you were alive.

Well, I am quiet here.
I turned everything down.
There is no more to cook.
There is no more to clean.
There is nothing on that screen.
I am running from distractions.
I am running to you.

My brother.
You are gone, but you are not far away.
At the end of each day,
you are my last thought.
You are on the other side of my fear,
therefore,
I have nothing to fear.

The pain seeps further down into reality.
The reality rises to the surface.
I will never know you again in this life.

I must accept this.
I must live with this.
For the rest of my time here,
I must live with this.
And, I accept that.

And,
here I fall inwards.
Here I hold myself.
Here I look out towards the night sky
and wish.

I wish to tell you that I love you.

Written by Nix 2018
I Wish.

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