Change Values By Experience

Every single individual has a value system whether they know about it or don’t. These values could be acquired consciously or unconsciously via social influence or past experiences, etc. If we take a look at these values or value systems they are more or less the same. There are some exceptions of course like dictators, serial killers, but the most of us has kinda the same values.

However there are slight differences in these values. These differences bring people together. This could be a cornerstone how we choose friends or spouse. These differences determine who we like or who we dislike. Groups, communities, tribes are born based on the matches on these slight differences. These communities have an own value systems. Every member of the community agrees with these shared values. If a member of the group loses at least one of these values she will either leave the group or she’ll cast out of the group.

Few years ago when I started working with people a very smart girl said to me. You cannot change people, so you should stop trying. It’s a waste of time and energy. People can change by themselves and only if they want to. You can only be the catalyst of the change, and influence them to change.

That’s the same for value systems. You cannot change other’s values. By telling someone her values should be changed won’t be efficient. Neither by force, violence can change these. I guess at this point you’ve realised we are talking about a really broad scale here, from therapy to religious crusades. Everything is about the values.

I believe you cannot force yourself to change your own values. Well, I admit this sounds weird. I can change my own personality, my own values, the way I see things.

Or can’t I?

If you stand in front of the mirror for 10 minutes every morning and every evening telling yourself you are beautiful, won’t make you think you are beautiful. Look. How many people who are satisfied with their bodies do that? None.

I believe values can change by experience. By experiencing something which makes your current values obsolete or makes you implement new ones to your life. Let’s go back to the previous example. Instead of telling yourself you are beautiful, someone else tells you that you are cute, or they give you compliments about your look. What do you think which one is more efficient, telling your mantra in front of the mirror, or receiving compliments from others. Which one will lead faster to accept your body?

Ok ok. It was not a good example because it was a limiting belief not a value. This is the problem of most of the self help books. They don’t focus on experience instead they are giving you different tips and tricks what you can implement with more or less success.

Let’s take a simple value, be nice to people. Let’s assume you are a jerk and you ghost your dates after a while. You decide it would be nice to change. What will you do? Instead of ghosting you tell your date sorry it’s not gonna work, all the best. It will be very uncomfortable at the first time, but if you feel good after, it will be a good experience. You’ll slowly stop ghosting and instead of being a jerk you’ll slowly be a nice person.

It’s very interesting in terms of groups and communities. As mentioned above like individuals, groups have their own value systems. If an individual don’t share these values they’ll cast out of the group or simply they won’t be accepted. And again we are talking on a really broad level, from religious groups, communities to tribes, even software development teams. You cannot change the group’s values, any attempt to the change will cause resistance and catalyze a defense mechanism.

Groups are founded for a reason. They have a purpose, and the value system is built around that. What happens if this purpose is reached? Most of the groups wants to remain, and don’t lose of the existence. They are keen on power. They won’t lose the value system, because they would lose the members who are the fundamentals of the power of the group. The most common way is to forge a new purpose, or forge an enemy, which doesn’t even exists and use hatred to keep the people united. I’m sure you can come up with an example by yourself here.

Every individual has an identity, this is our definition about who we are. This identity, like the value systems, cannot be changed by external force. Every attempt, every action will result an equal value reaction. The attempt of change will be considered as an attack against self, and it will result a defense mechanism. This is the same like a life threatening physical attack, the attack is against who we are. The same defence mechanisms are activated because individuals wants to protect themselves and who they think they are. The identity can be changed slowly by experience, as well as the values.

Like individuals, groups and communities have identities as well. Similarly every attempt to change the identity of a group will be considered an attack and it will result a defense mechanism.

My own example here. I am part of a software development team which is very mature, it has its own identity and value systems. It’s quite rare, but anyways. An attempt to split the team to 2 was considered an attack, like to tear an individual to two pieces. It resulted resistance from the group which tried to use every available possibilities to protect their identity.

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